Domestic abuse can happen to anybody.
I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth I was met with after being with my ex. Like many people, I thought I was too strong and independent to ever get caught up in something like that. I used to think I’d never let somebody put their hands on me, but trust me, that’s something you can never ever be certain of.
Abusers are extremely clever in the ways they reel you in. It doesn’t matter how strong you are, you often don’t realise the abuse is happening until your whole life is consumed by it.
A major part of the problem is how society tends to associate abuse with just physical violence. When we think of abuse, most of us imagine bruises, black eyes, and broken bones. But that wasn’t my experience, at least, not at first.
The abuse started with non-physical things. Little comments. Control. Isolation. Subtle fear. By the time the physical side began, I was already emotionally hooked. I loved him, I thought we had something worth saving and that made it so much easier for him to convince me that everything could be fixed.
At the time, I hadn’t even considered that I was in an abusive relationship because to me, abuse meant violence. And since I hadn’t been hit (yet), I didn’t think I had the right to call it abuse.
But here’s the reality: according to the Office for National Statistics (2023), physical violence accounts for less than a quarter of domestic abuse incidents in the UK.
That means we have to understand all the other ways abuse shows up, ways that don’t leave visible scars.
What Domestic Abuse Actually Looks Like
It’s easy to think abuse only means getting hurt physically. But honestly, that’s just one form and not even the most common.
Let’s break down some of the other types of abuse you might not recognise at first, but are just as damaging.
1. Coercive Control
This is a pattern of behaviour where your partner uses intimidation, isolation, guilt and manipulation to maintain power over you. It’s subtle and difficult to spot but it’s incredibly damaging.
Key signs of coercive control:
- Constantly checking where you are or who you’re with.
- Pressuring you to spend all your time with them.
- Saying things like ‘I just want to be with you’ to make you cancel plans.
- Extreme jealousy. Especially about photos, friends or social media.
- Accusing you of cheating with no reason.
- Guilt-tripping you into feeling like you’re the problem.
Important note: Coercive control has actually been punishable by law in the UK since 2015.
2. Emotional Abuse
This is all about controlling how you feel by breaking down your mental strength until you don’t trust yourself anymore.
Common examples of emotional abuse:
- Starting arguments late at night so you lose sleep.
- Showing up at your work, gym or anywhere else you go uninvited.
- Texting/ calling constantly and demanding responses.
- Insulting your intelligence, appearance or decisions.
- Calling you ‘crazy’ or ‘too sensitive’.
- Making you doubt your memory of events (gaslighting).
- Undermining your confidence so you feel too weak to leave.
Emotional abuse messes with your mind. It leaves you feeling unstable, confused and constantly second-guessing yourself.
3. Psychological Abuse
This type of abuse hits your sense of identity and self-worth. It’s often disguised as jokes or sarcasm, which makes it even harder to notice.
Signs of psychological abuse:
- Constant teasing or mocking, especially about your insecurities.
- Making you feel like you’re not good enough.
- Comparing you to others or making you feel inferior.
- Using sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments to belittle you.
- Telling you that no one else will ever love you.
- Shaming you for your past or sexual history.
These behaviours chip away at your self-esteem until you feel like you deserve the treatment you’re getting, which you absolutely don’t.
4. Financial Abuse
This form of abuse is about taking away your independence and ability to make choices.
It can look like:
- Controlling your bank account or monitoring your spending.
- Preventing you from working or making you feel guilty for having a job.
- Taking out loans or credit cards in your name.
- Sabotaging your work life by showing up or constantly calling.
- Guilt-tripping you every time you buy something for yourself.
When someone controls your money, they control your ability to leave. That’s why it’s so dangerous and why it needs to be talked about more.
5. Harassment & Stalking
This one can feel overwhelming because it creates fear in your day-to-day life. It doesn’t just happen in movies it happens in real life too.
It can include:
- Constantly texting or calling, even when you’ve asked for space.
- Turning up where you are without telling you.
- Constantly watching your social media stories immediately or obsessively.
- Making fake accounts to keep tabs on you.
- Contacting your friends and family to check up on you or pressure you.
You start to feel like you’re never alone even when you are. That loss of safety and peace of mind is a huge red flag.
6. Digital Abuse
Let’s be honest, our phones are basically extensions of ourselves, but when someone uses your phone or socials to control you, it becomes a serious weapon.
Examples of digital abuse:
- Demanding your phone password or social media logins.
- Going through your phone without permission.
- Pressuring you to show them things on your phone.
- Controlling what you post or who you talk to online.
- Messaging you all day and getting angry if you don’t reply quickly.
- Sharing (or threatening to share) private photos or messages.
Your phone should be a safe space. If it becomes a tool for someone else’s control, then it’s not love or care, it’s abuse.
What To Do If This Sounds Familiar
If you’re reading this and realising that some of these behaviours feel a bit too familiar, please know: you are not overreacting. You are not dramatic. You are not imagining it.
Abuse isn’t always obvious. And it doesn’t always start violently. But your feelings are valid, and you deserve to feel safe, respected and loved without fear.
There is help out there. Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or reach out to a domestic abuse charity. You are not alone.
Understanding domestic abuse in all its forms is the first step towards protecting ourselves and others. It’s not just about black eyes or shouting matches, it’s about the slow erosion of self, identity and control.
You deserve more than just survival. You deserve peace, joy and respect in your relationships.
FAQs
1. Can domestic abuse happen even if there’s no violence?
Yes, absolutely. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial or digital. Physical violence is just one form.
2. How do I know if it’s coercive control?
If someone is constantly checking on you, guilt-tripping you, isolating you, or making you feel trapped then it could be coercive control.
3. What’s the difference between emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional abuse targets your feelings. Psychological abuse targets your self-worth and identity. They often overlap.
4. What should I do if I think I’m being abused?
Talk to someone you trust and reach out to support services. You deserve help and safety.
5. Is it still abuse if they say they love me?
Love isn’t control. Love isn’t fear. If someone says they love you but constantly hurts or manipulates you, it’s not love. It’s abuse.
references
Office for National Statistics (2023) Crime Survey for England and Wales: Year Ending December 2023, Partner abuse in detail, England and Wales: year ending March 2023 [https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/partnerabuseindetailenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2023#:~:text=Of%20partner%20abuse%20victims%2C%2016.4,with%2018.9%25%20telling%20the%20police.]